Then, as is so true to life; I had even more trouble. The new boyfriend’s unwelcoming family, and the necessity of taking my childhood attacker to court, not to mention trying to get a business off the ground, all while helping my children and myself try to heal from the breakup of our family and my eighteen-year marriage. It was a crazy time; all recorded in my journals and turned into book form.
I thought it was an account that other women could use, as something helpful both on the wise of what to do and what not to do. The main thought I wanted to convey through each chapter is that you can get through anything. You really can, and also and most especially that you’re more loved than you will ever know.
Mrs. Bookfreak:
Did you find writing this very personal account of your life’s trial and tribulations a cathartic process? Also, how hard was it for you to come to the decision to finally write your book?
Amy Von Freter:
Cathartic for sure. I had been very angry and hurt for years about the events I’ve written about. As the book suggests, I didn’t feel I deserved what life had given me. I had felt very much like a victim of circumstance, and resentment was my friend.
Reading those journal entries in the order that they happened help me to put together the many non-coincidences and miracles, some which I hadn’t even realized until I started to write the book, years afterward.
As I read the handwritten entries and it slowly dawned on me how fortunate I’d been, I felt both ungrateful and humbled. A lot of tears were shed as I took the scope of my blessings in.
As far as the court case is concerned, going over the audio again and again in order to write it all down was at first very emotionally draining; I actually had to stop and take a break for a few days, but in the end it had a neutralizing effect. They were just words, and my attacker was just a confused, angry and hurt person whom I was not responsible for.
I think the decision to write this story came from realizing my own need during that very hard time in my life. From the awful moment I overheard my then-husband talking to his girlfriend on the telephone, I felt vastly and miserably alone. I didn’t know anyone else that was going through such a thing at the time, yet I would have dearly liked to have had some validation by knowing that I wasn’t the only one.
The book came from my strong need at that point to be around like-minded people who had been there, done that, and had survived after all. Other than one or two close friends that had suffered through a divorce, I didn’t have enough of that. This was my way of supplying that to other women that are struggling, just like I did.
Mrs. Bookfreak:
You are such a strong woman; what would you say to other women about handling the effects of divorce (on themselves and on their children)?
Amy Von Freter:
Be extra, extra gentle with yourself. Time alone to mourn is imperative. Take long walks, bubble baths, eat your favorite comfort foods, sleep a lot if you can, and write it all down in a journal that’s for your eyes only. (And don’t even try to be nice with your words! This is your place to get good and mad if you need to.)
Talk about your hurt non-stop without trying to censor yourself with trusted friends (but not around your kids, this will just make your home’s atmosphere feel negative) who are willing to listen. When one friend gets tired, switch out and just keep talking. If there aren’t any friends readily available, start an anonymous blog and get that poison out of you ASAP.
Don’t be afraid to cry as much as you need to; this is healing. If you can’t cry, rent a movie that will make you cry and watch it alone until you find that necessary release. Those pent-up emotions and negative energy have to go somewhere. ‘Better out than in!’
Mrs. Bookfreak:
How would you advise ladies on getting married today and what to expect out of the relationship? How about what to put into the relationship?
Amy Von Freter:
It’s been said, ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself.’ People tend to forget that last part. Really, you can’t love anyone else until you’ve got the ‘thyself’ thing down. It’s been said that the most beautiful relationship you will ever have will be the one with yourself, and I am finding this to be very true.
Learning to love yourself, both the good and the bad, is key. This takes some time; give that gift of all the time you need to yourself. Take it before, after, and in-between relationships, and be happy for the opportunity of that space to grow.
I regret not having taken more time before getting married. You’ll still get it, (I do) but having to do that very important inner work is harder when you’ve also got a partner to consider. Not impossible, but just a bit more technical.
What to expect from a relationship? In my opinion, the emotionally healthiest way to approach things is to expect very little from your partner, and a lot from yourself.
The other person is a free agent that has the right to do things of their own will, without any strings attached. Whatever they give to you is to be viewed as a gift, and your partner would do well to view things in the same way.
No one is forcing us to be in a marriage; they are easy to get out of, if need be. We’re there because we want to be and any token of affection, favor, taking out of the garbage or doing the dishes is freely given.
View it all as a gift, and try to maintain a spirit of gratitude while realizing that to have someone to give to and do for and love is also a great privilege.
Even if your partner decides they no longer want to be a part of the team, if you’ve given honestly and without strings, you will still be able to hold your head high if it should end, and that is worth a lot, should it ever come to that. Knowing in your heart that you’ve tried and that your love and concern was genuine is worth an awful lot.
Mrs. Bookfreak:
What advice, if any, would you give to newlywed couples about the experience of marriage?
Amy Von Freter:
(See the comment above!) The other thing would be to keep a sense of humor. The amount of laughter in a relationship is, in my opinion, an indicator of how you’re both doing. Laughter heals and laughter binds two otherwise hostile hearts together during times of great tension. It’s been said that the shortest distance between two hearts is a laugh.
Mrs. Bookfreak:
Changing your old negative in relationships can be difficult as we all know; as you have moved on with your life do you ever find yourself backsliding into your old habits?
Amy Von Freter:
Oh, yes! The most humbling of occurrences is when your ‘new’ husband says, word for awful word, the same phrase or complaint that you’ve heard from your ‘old’ husband.
It’s lovely to think that the problems were primarily with ‘him’ (the Ex), but that notion is shattered when something like that happens.
When two men who’ve shared a life with me have voiced the same concerns about the same exact issue, I can no longer remain in denial; it’s me.
This means that there are things I am going to have to accept as my responsibility to change. This can’t always be done overnight, but with the awareness of my flaws and a patient partner, it can be done.
In addressing the domineering relationship that I had in my first marriage, this time around it’s different. We both like some semblance of control and having our say; we seem to take turns driving, but that has been a learned thing, with lots of time, trial, and error. I believe that I attracted a different sort of a partner this time around because I was a different sort of woman than I was when I was in my early twenties, when I met my first husband.
Mrs. Bookfreak:
With your busy lifestyle and your presence needed in so many ways daily how do you keep yourself focused?
Amy Von Freter:
That one made me laugh. ‘Focused’ is not a word I would use to describe myself; I’m a spontaneous, hit-and-miss sort of gal. I work in spurts, am creative in spurts, social in spurts; you get the pattern.
A few things I do everyday to stay what I would call centered: I spend about five minutes in bed before I get up, thinking about what I want for my day, and believing that God will help me to get those things, even if they’re frivolous, because He’s just kind like that. I read one page of scripture. I say a little prayer, asking for help to put it all together.
I try to find ways during the day to bring some pampering or beauty into the hours, like a new coat of nail polish, a half hour out on the deck in the sunshine, a chive-flower garnish on my lunch plate, an impromptu walk on a pretty lane while I’m supposed to be out running errands, or sneaking off to what I call the Little Chapel for a few quiet moments of journal-writing.
At the end of the day, I crawl into bed and meditate for at least five more minutes on my ‘wish list’ of things I’d like to have happen in my life. More travel, my dream home, a life surrounded with lots and lots of love, driving a convertible along Highway 101 with the wind in my hair; things that make me smile. I fall asleep happy.
The next day I’ll awake and do the same thing. I’ve been amazed at how much the visualizing, the prayer and scripture study, and the trying my hardest each day is making the ‘wish list’ slowly turn into reality. If I were to condense it into all one word, it would be like the metal coat rack in my story: Believe.
Mrs. Bookfreak:
Are you still active within your church? Do you find that being active in the church together can help a relationship?
Amy Von Freter:
I am active within my church; however, I had to sort through the things about it that I felt had let me down. This is also where the writing of the book has been cathartic.
It was difficult to separate the decisions and moves that I thought had been ‘unwise’ in both council and action from the various leaders. In realizing that there were two good and common-sense leaders for every one of the ones that were not, I softened.
Knowing that there were people within my church that were in tune enough to call me at the exact moments that I was sinking in spirit did much to boost my faith and confidence. I had to do some maturing, too, in my expectations of a church.
As a people, as in any church, there will always be some that are petty, obnoxious, and who will let you down. I’m sure I’ve been guilty of all three items myself, and changing churches might change that for a time, but I would still see the same human behaviors eventually crop back up, so what would be the point? Church is the opportunity to openly and publicly worship God as I see Him. I’m cool with that.
Sharing a religion in a marriage is huge. Knowing that we share the same faith, going to church once a week for a sort of ‘accounting’ of the past weeks’ actions (if only happening within our own minds) affects how we treat each other during the remaining six days. Since many churches are big on families and encourage staying married, this is also extremely helpful.
Mrs. Bookfreak:
From your perspective, would you recommend to couples (whether they are married or not) to go seek some sort of counseling if they find that they are hitting a rocky patch? If so, from what source the; church or a professional relationship counselor?
Amy Von Freter:
May the marriage counseling profession forgive me:
No. I would not recommend it. The couple either wants to stay together, or they don’t. No amount of counseling is going to change a partner’s mind if they’ve got a bee in their bonnet to go.
What it did for me, personally, was to dredge up more information than was necessary for me to hear from the other party, and to reinforce the pain. I reserve the right to change my mind about this in the future, of course, but at this place and time, it seems like a waste of the moment and the money, compounding the problem. Now you’ve not only got a marriage that’s falling apart; you’ve got additional bills to pay.
If counseling was absolutely necessary and deemed as potentially helpful by the couple, I would recommend a faith-based person that was not affiliated with a church of any kind, so that they could and would speak freely and not have to follow church-recommended guidelines as to what the couple should or should not do in their unique situation.
Mrs. Bookfreak:
Do you have any future writing projects or future plans that you would care to share with us?
Amy Von Freter:
Yep. We’ll see if this comes to fruition or not (but I have a feeling that some day it will).
Since I am the fourth wife of my husband, a title called ‘Forthwife’, suggesting a perpetual movement forward, and a total disregard for the number four.
It’s just a name and a number, but I (and any individual) am not. This would be the ‘rest of the story’ of how I’ve struggled to see my own worth, and how I’m continuing to do so. As you can imagine, there will be some by now-expected self-deprecating snippets and no small amount of humor mixed in.
After I stopped cleaning houses, I went through a mini mid-life crisis, trying to figure out what to do next that would be ‘useful’ and ‘valuable’.
I began to manage properties (not fun, but at least it wasn’t scrubbing), I took a few semesters of college courses (and was good at it, but that still didn’t seem right). After two years of trying to figure out what I wanted to do and be, I decided once and for all to begin my writing career full-on.
This was not met with wide approval from those around me; a beginning writer, or even a seasoned one, often can’t pay their bills. I was told by friends and loved ones repeatedly that I needed to face reality and ‘get a real job’.
There were plenty of days where I had to wade through the guilt and well-intentioned comments and suggestions, and just keep going at the keyboard. It was often frustrating, with a few triumphs sprinkled in. Being the classic hard-head, I didn’t give up; I knew this was what I was supposed to be doing.
Nowadays, I am interviewing people and writing for the local paper and a local business magazine, writing snappy articles brimming with attitude for businesses via a coupon deals company, writing content for business media kits, writing articles for the upcoming yearly rodeo, promoting ‘Other People’s Messes’ through a website called The Girl Cave, and of course doing my beloved blogging.
Most of these are paid gigs. The story of how I got from there to here is what I would call miraculous, and I would love to share that. |
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